I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.