Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*