I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.


Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.


Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.


Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”