I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
me linking you to my twitter
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.