@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

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@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@jaslakhmna

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”