I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
me linking you to my twitter
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.