I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names



BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*


Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”


I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.


KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.


since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away


How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?


wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”


An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.