@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

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@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@thedad

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@TeaPartyCat

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.