I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I feel attacked.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…