I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice