I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.