I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling