@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

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@comer310

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

@TheCatWhisprer

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@AndyRichter

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

@clichedout

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.