I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
the best thing i’ve ever made
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.