I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
not to brag, but mine was free
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.