@DowntownFunk_
@CulturedRuffian Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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@CulturedRuffian 
@Cheeseboy22 I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
@sarousti Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
@druuuck *Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
@Burnam1 Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
@IDontSpeakWhine Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
@50FirstTates they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
@Tbone7219 Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
@myonlymizztake I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
@ArfMeasures GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good