I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem


I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.


Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest


*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*


Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.


Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.


they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store


Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.


I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.


GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good