@DowntownFunk_

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

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@junejuly12

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

@unravelingfire

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@i_Lean

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

@Adam14

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

@Adam14

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?