I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
goldfish mafia
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.