I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me