“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
#ParentingFacts
Just had my nails done!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I would like even faster food.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.