Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Me when my alarm goes off

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL