I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.