Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.