@iamburtjarvis BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
@MoistPork I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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@iamburtjarvis 
@lisaxy424 Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
@theshantilly *slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
@ju_floripa the only organized thing in my life is crime
@jonnysun [taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
@loribuckmajor “HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
@shkeeber Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
@CallousBalzac Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
@DamienFahey My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
@FattMernandez My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.