I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

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Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always



“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”


Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.


My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.


My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.