I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about