I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
You Might Also Like
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Twitter fine art
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”