I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
You Might Also Like
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
We have a winner.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
can’t believe I got front row seats
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.