I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
yes… yes…
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?