I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Reporter: *ports again*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.