I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Great acting.. 😂
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide