i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
You Might Also Like
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“That’s what” – She
early stone age tool
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top