I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.