I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.