I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.