I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.