I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Happy thanksgiving
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Optional boss fight.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral