Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.