I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)
Just me and my debit card against the world
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”