I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*