I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Those are good neighbors.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
How to draw a duck
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.