I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Best table by far
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage