I’m giving up ice.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I think my mom just blocked me
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing