I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.


One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm


Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.


[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.


I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.