@meganamram
@metickleu Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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@metickleu 
@mommy_cusses So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
@MissyMooMorris One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
@Crutnacker Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
@AtticusFinch79 [first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
@batsVsupes 
@yipe Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
@Jandalize There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
@TylerLinkin After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
@BradBroaddus I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.