@meganamram

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

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@metickleu

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@TylerLinkin

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.