I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
the best thing i’ve ever made
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now