I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
A duv-egg? In this economy?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.