@boredbostonian

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

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@RodLacroix

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@Ndeshi_M

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

@ozzyunc

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

@AlexvanBeek

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@BCMontgo

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.