@antifatwa Incredible customer service.
@boredbostonian I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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@antifatwa 
@RodLacroix My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
@FunnyBison I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
@Ndeshi_M Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
@ozzyunc When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
@Mom_Overboard [taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
@AlexvanBeek It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
@RobinMcCauley I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
@BCMontgo Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
@dafloydsta [boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.