I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves