I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

You Might Also Like


My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]


I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”


Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.


When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.


It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.


I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.


Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.