I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.