I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.