I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.