I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday