I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.