I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If you’re testing me, we failed.
this is the best day of my life
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
uncle dave has been through hell
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.