Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Anyone really