Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”