Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Single and childfree like Jesus

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

I did not eat the cake…

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)