I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
this is the greatest thing ever
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.