I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I did not eat the cake…
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)