@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

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@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@Kateness8

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

@SarahRydgren

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

@blaudiablogan

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.