I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
#Caturday
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*