I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.