@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

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@ItsMeHelenMary

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

@flashember

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

@Brampersandon_

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

@TheBoydP

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora