I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora