Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m going green for the holidays.
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.