@Darlainky

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

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@joshgondelman

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

@JenMsft

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

@parilani

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

@wittwitbarista

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

@meatlobes

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

@GamerPres20XX

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@3sunzzz

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.