I’m going green for the holidays.
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?