I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family