I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
You Might Also Like
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*