I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
🤣🤣
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.