Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad