I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it