I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”