I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
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Strangers have the best candy.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do