I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
dutch is not a serious language
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.