I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
You Might Also Like
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
socratic questions
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.