I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
God has abandoned us.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Had an epiphany today.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.