I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.