Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.