“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Breaking news:
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I have a new favorite meme page
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
my sentiments exactly